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Dear Champagne Wine Region,

I understand that your lawyers are currently very busy attempting to stop a sparkling wine critic for using the name Champagne Jayne. Your main complaint, from what I can understand, is that she actually writes about fizzy wines that don’t come from your region – such, I presume, as Domaine Chandon sparkling wine in Australia.

Your keenness to stamp out the abuse of your brand is entirely understandable, especially as producers like Moet & Chandon have now laudably stopped producing ‘Champaña’ and ‘Champanha’ under the Chandon brand in South America.

Women like Champagne Jayne are obviously a major threat to your region and its brand, and they represent a dangerous precedent. British mothers have christened their children Chardonnay; there’s a clear risk that thousands of infants might be named Champagne, and some of these might not come from the north east of France, or indeed have sparkling personalities.

I  have come across just such an example in Australia where a blonde young lady goes by the name of Champagne Dancer. I would strongly recommend that you take steps to establish whether her parents – presumably Mr and Mrs Dancer – gave her this name or if she adopted it herself.

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Ms Dancer does not apparently currently write tasting notes about sparkling wines. She may be too busy working to add to her impressive tally of ‘awards’, including
Voodoo Lounges Best Booty Peach Division 2014
Miss Erotica Australia 2013
Miss Nude Australia’s – Hottest Body 2013
Miss Nude Western Australia – Entertainer of the Year 2012
and
Western Australia Most Sensuous Woman 2012

I have been to Western Australia on several occasions and am concerned that Ms Dancer may not only have purloined the name of your region but also made an erroneous claim regarding her sensuousness. So, as a Champagne lover myself, I am hereby offering to support you in any efforts you may make to come to grips with Ms Dancer and to oblige her to change her name – to Cava Dancer, or Prosecco Dancer for example. Sadly, I am not available to help you in your fight against Champagne Jayne.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours

Robert Joseph

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